It’s a big decision, splitting up and that’s just the start of a plethora of other decisions that have to be made as a consequence. However, it’s not just you making the decisions, but your Soon To Be Ex has to agree with you, and that’s where it gets even more complicated.
Instincts can lead you astray
I used to think my ‘gut instincts’ were infallible. Now I’ve read a bit about human thinking and decision-making I’m not so sure. Fast thinking is intuitive; it literally jumps to a conclusion. Slow thinking is more rational, taking into account a lot more information. If a decision is important then get it right. Log your instinctive decision – but check it against the opinion you have after taking time to think everything through properly, because sometimes we make mistakes when we decide things too fast and after reflecting we change our minds. This is a good thing, as it results in better decision-making. I’ve lost count of the number of times this happens in mediation – and in life generally.
I do understand – you may feel you simply can’t trust your STBX – after all you had good reason to end it, so they are bound to do you down, as then they’ll win, right? Or – if they ended it, well, they’re obviously untrustworthy aren’t they? You may think they’re lying about the money or the children or both. You need your lawyer to protect you, to catch them out, prove you’re right and to help you get what you want? How could you possibly meet them face-to-face and mediate your way out of this mess? Impossible! No! It’s better to take arms against a sea of troubles!
Hang on a minute – mediators know how to help couples in just this situation, it’s what they do. You can have separate meetings with your mediator first and don’t have to be in the same room with your ex. Mediators help you move through the initial panic and mistrust to get at the heart of your problems quickly, which is re-assuring. Your ex may have broken faith with you at an intimate level, which hurts terribly, but they are probably just as anxious as you about the children and the money. Lawyer mediators can help you both with lots of legal information you need to have and they help you work out your options and what to do for the best. The focus is on solving the problems of where you’ll live and how to afford everything that’s needed, on pensions and the rest of it, not fighting over everything. Older children can be included in the mediation if you and they want – and this can help everyone feel better able to make collaborative decisions which feel better and are made faster. You spend less money on the process of resolution, which in mediation is at shared cost, and so you have more left for your family’s needs.
An example of how mediation helped one couple make better decisions
In one mediation a mother was broken hearted and furious at her husband for leaving her and she simply could not face their children spending time with him with his new partner. As time passed this became untenable, as they knew the woman and quite liked her. Mum’s instincts were completely understandable – if unsustainable in the longer term. Gradually she came to realise this and although it hurt, in mediation she suddenly and unexpectedly asked the father if he and his new partner would take the children to watch a firework display. She could not watch the children on her own in the dark, but the two of them could. This turned around the whole atmosphere between them, set up a different dynamic and many other solutions with regards to their children and finances settlement suddenly fell into place. This shows how initial instinctive decisions can be wrong and how mediation can help people move on emotionally and unlock their thinking rational brain in a constructive way. A simple (if hard) concession changed everything. Like a domino rally other issues fell into place and rational decision-making took over with everything being settled in a problem-solving way.
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Read more about family mediation at: www.focus-mediation.co.uk