When faced with a crisis such as separation, people struggle to cope. They may refuse to talk about the difficult issues that need to be sorted out. They may be in complete denial about the realities of their situation. It may be really hard to tell friends and family –it makes it all real.
Grieving
The grieving cycle kicks in with the prospect of so much loss – and it starts with denial – this is not happening. A man once returned home to find his wife and children gone and his home empty. There was just a camp bed on the floor and a pillow and duvet on it. He went to bed in it and slept – perhaps he thought it would all be all right in the morning. His instinctive reaction was denial.
However bad the relationship, even if you ended it – there is loss and the stages of grief. People are so frightened of what else they will lose – children, home, money, security, even part of their identity, the couple part. Anger and blame can be overwhelming. Sorting things out can feel impossible – all suggestions for the future may elicit a categoric ‘No!’ Anger may make you fight, litigate to try to ‘win’ and this can cost more than it’s worth and then everyone loses. Doing a deal with your enemy is anathema – and that’s what mediation means, so no, it is not something you want to do. You are at your most vulnerable and least able to cope yet there are all these critical decisions to face. You may want to make them wait, not face the choices, do nothing, hang on to your life as long as possible. Sometimes delay results in a lot of other problems that makes sorting things out eventually even harder. Examples include children suffering avoidably, increases in family debt, mortgage default or serial rows over anything and everything – everything gets worse than it need have done.
Moving forward
Research on decision-making by psychologists tells us decision-making is often hap-hazard and flawed. Especially if motivated by emotions, we do not make our best decisions when we are upset. This is where mediators can help. Trying to do it alone is like trying to do your own dentistry – you cannot see the problems and you’re not a dentist. Family mediators understand the situation and have helped thousands of people to sort things out and start re-building their lives. Yes, it’s tough, but it’s a process for making your best decisions, easier than fighting, it costs less and it is just as fast as you want.
Family mediation is flexible, it starts where you are and wraps around you to help you cope, helps you to see the real issues and work out what to do for the best in a rational way. It is nothing like counselling, it is very practical and future-focussed. Good mediators listen hard – and support you both to make difficult decisions, working through all the options, challenging and reality testing your plans. Yes, effective mediation can feel tough. It brings you face to face with the realities of your situation fast – but isn’t that best? Get it over with? Most people say ‘I just want it all sorted as soon as possible.’ That means mediation. Court applications take up to 18 months, sometimes longer. The legal process is rarely fast. Mediation regularly helps people bring litigation and negotiations to an end with Consent Orders and agreements.
So when you’re fed up with it all – remember it is never too late to mediate and do a deal and doing nothing is a choice that may deliver a poor outcome.
Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at www.focus-mediation.co.uk
